Dating post divorce

I can remember being a 20 something, thinking how easy it was to date and how exciting it was. I thought after my separation I quickly learned after my first couple of times, I was sadly mistaken. I did meet a few nice people that I dated for a while, but they wanted to hop from one relationship to another. Some wanted to have someone to take care of them. Others wanted to change me to what they wanted. SOme could not handle my strong personality. If you are going to date after divorce here are some simple tips.

First, do not get into a major relationship for some time. How long is up to you, you will know when you are ready. You are going to have the proverbial rebound relationship. It is not going to be pretty as that person may not be and is actually looking for a relationship with you.

Second, strike a balance between staying home by yourself and going out clubbing. This is a time for you to heal your mind and soul. Jumping into a relationship will further prolong your recovery. You can go out and have a good time, just don’t fall in love with someone within a couple of weeks.

Third, watch out for those who will take advantage of your kindness while you are in a vulnerable state. I was seeing this girl, and her power was getting shut off for a couple of weeks until she could afford to turn it back on when she gets her divorce settlement. A couple of weeks turned out to be like 6 months and she still didn’t want to leave. I did get her out with a huge line of bullshit, but I did have a broken mirror on my car 6 weeks later.

I dated another person on and off who was wonderful until after a while it was apparent she wanted someone to be more of a servant. The sex was great and some of the stuff we did together was fun, but I should not b fixing things for you that your landlord should be fixing. Plus her kids would treat her as a servant versus a parent which did not sit well with me.

So after three years, I found someone completely by accident. We kept showing up in each other feeds and we both said why not. We met the Sunday before Thanksgiving at the Confectionary Wine Bar. We hit it off almost immediately. We are now coming up on a year and I am very happy. I am glad I waited and held out until I could find someone special once again. I have truly found my equal.

Marriage, separation, divorce, moving on and everything in between

In August of 1998, I was married to the love of my life. The joy and happiness I felt would last for almost 15 years. On January 3rd, 2013, we separated. A whole gambit of emotions came over me. Denial, sadness, denial, rage, anger denial, and emptiness. I would continue to feel this way for the next 6 months. I saw a counselor to get me through this, it was a very tough time in my life.

I had the support of all of my friends both locally and across the country. I took their advice from a friend local to me and one that lives in Utah. They both said if she is willing to give it all up now have her put it in writing. She was in love with someone whom I thought was a friend, she didn’t want anything except out to be with him.

The next 3 years it took a lot of personal reflection to redefine who I was and what I wanted out of life. I decided there would never be any reconciliation, so I filed for a divorce. I had to come up with new goals, and ideas of what I wanted to do both short-term and long-term. As I was reflecting a few things were very obvious to me.

First, while I was happy with my wife after some time had passed I realized I was actually happier without her. While we were deeply in love at one point it became more and more obvious we had just grown apart. She became very uncomfortable with our relationship when my income rose significantly higher than hers. While she did reap the benefits she was uncomfortable. It also did not help that three years before we separated I traveled a lot for my job, which took its toll but I later found out that it started before that.

Second, that she was no longer the same person I loved or married. As stated before we grew apart, but more to the point her whole personality changed. She has a civil service job that has her interact with the public, and as her one supervisor put it, she became “seasoned”. This seasoning came home with her and has affected her relationships with some of the family members as well.

Third, I knew I would never have left her. Even though I was happier after the breakup, I knew I would have never had initiated it as I took my vows seriously and would have stayed no matter what. No matter if I was unhappy, miserable or what, I would have never had separated. I did later after realizing I would never want to reconcile did file for the divorce which was very hard for me to do.

The divorce was relatively easy and amicable.

Dating was very interesting. It was nothing like before I was married, very shallow and tedious. For me, it all came down to numbers. 20 chats/texts narrowed down to 5 first dates which would maybe end in one-second date. But I still could not find anyone that would make me truly happy. Until that is I met LJ. While she made a new record for being the most expensive first date, it was only so because we sat at the wine bar for so long having the best conversation either of us had in quite some time. We had a second, third, etc.

I can truly and honestly say I am the happiest I have been in well over a decade. For all of us that go through a divorce just know you will make it through and find happieness again.

My struggle with obesity

I have always been a “big boned” guy all of my life.  It became significantly worse after I got married in August 1998.  I stand around six feet tall, and before marriage I was around two hundred pounds.  After marriage, I did a yo-yo depending on how much I worked, if I had to travel for work, and so on.  My heaviest was three hundred and fifty pounds.  This was my tipping point and I knew for my longevity and my overall health and happiness I had to do something about.

So stats my journey on “dieting”.  I tried Atkins, calorie counting, restricted calorie counting, Mediterranean, paleo, and even a little keto.  Most would work initially from anywhere from a couple of weeks up to 6 months, then I would hit the plateau and make no progress for weeks and out of shear frustration I would give up.

Fast forward almost two decades later, I am having numerous discussions with my doctor.  His sage advice on the matter, “Lose Weight”.  I ask him how, citing everything I have tried.  He hands me a sheet with the outdated food pyramid and says try this.  This became a huge red flag to me.  I discuss with him medications or additional tests of which I get a response, “Go see a specialist!”  I leave that day knowing two things, no one is going to help me unless I am willing to make the change mentally and second my current doctor needed to be part of that change.

I went home and had a discussion with LJ (my girlfriend), about my frustration and that I need to make a change.  She convinces me to switch to her doctor’s office as they will actually listen to me and depending on my findings put me on a plan for better health.

After thinking about it briefly, I pulled the trigger and made the switch.  It took a month before my initial visit to establish a primary care plan. I met with Cheryl, Nurse Practitioner, we went over a LOT of my medical history.  Discussing family members and there issues, the specialists I have seen over the years and as to why, what test I have known have been run and so on.  I talked with her about the my obesity, and everything I have tried.  Her response, it sounds like from your history and what you have described that your insulin resistant.  Let’s get a bunch of test run and see from there.  This visit was almost an hour long, I was shocked, as my previous doctor if we talked for more than ten minutes it was a shocker. I left feeling happy, I finally had a medical professional that listened to me.  

That weekend I went to get my blood tests done, almost four pages of tests that need to be run, thankfully that only translated into five tubes of blood.

Another week goes by and I am at my followup appointment with Cheryl.  She is going through all the tests.  I found out a lot of stuff that my original doctor missed for never running these tests.  Out of all the minor things found, one thing stood out my insulin level is almost 2.5x normal level, while my fasting glucose and A1c are normal.  She tells me I am insulin resistant as she thought.  Now begins a new journey of attempting to get healthy and lose the weight while using Victoza.

Sometimes change is good!

Welcome again

It has been over two years since I last posted to my blog.  A lot has happened including my original blog getting all hosed up.  I figure I would take this opportunity to start fresh and expand on what I post.  So much has happened, both personally and professionally.

I am currently in the process of setting the site back up so bare with me as it may change.